MIND THE STAPLES: Sex tips from a centerfold; Get a six-pack in 1 month; Free Seduction manual inside; Top 100 sexist women; How to take a free kick like Beckham; How to beat your mate at everything; Turn your girlfriend into a porn star; I love it in both holes; My first time: Cum all over me. As I stand in Smiths surrounded by magazines these are just some of the things that catch my eye. I don’t even know what I’m doing here as I don’t even want to buy a magazine. In the end I grab a copy of Cherry, not sure why, I think it was the slogan ‘Cum swapping sluts’ on the front cover. As I approach the counter I realize that I can’t just buy a porno on its own, people will think I’m a pervert, I need to buy another Magazine to go with it, something that says I’m normal.
At home I pleasure myself, using the ‘I’m normal’ copy of the Economist to catch my cum, and the picture of the cum drenched slut for stimulation. The cum is all over her face and dripping on to her tits. Pumping away my mind wonders, “I wonder how Justine is?” I grab my phone and give her a ring, I it put on speakerphone so I can carry on pleasuring myself (I would like to add at this point that I don’t usually masturbate whilst on the phone to someone, unless of course I have their consent, otherwise that would be some form of phone-rape, if there is such I thing. Knowing my luck there would be). With each ring of the phone I get more excited… ring-ring, my pleasure building, the cum drenched slut laid bare in front of me, I’m ready to climax, then she answers “hello” - I lose the sensation to cum.
“Hi, how you doing?” I say slightly flustered.
“Yes I’m fine, well I’m kind of tired really, what’s up” she responds.
“Nothing really, just was thinking about you, and thought I’d give you a call”.
Every time I ring she’s tired, next she’ll be saying “I really must go know, I need to take a nap, speak to you soon”, but not today. Her voice is husky. What kind of person am I? Getting turned on by an ordinary conversation, pleasantries at best. Momentarily I think about the idea of phone rape; I certainly don’t want to be that guy, but carry on wanking anyway. She’s about to cut the conversation short, the words “I really must…” are on the tip of her tongue, I can sense it. I’m not going to let her get the words out. I’ll have to say something to keep on her on the line. Of course I say nothing; I struggle to talk to Justine at the best of times, must less under pressure. To my surprise she doesn’t say what I’m expecting, it’s something much more devastating.
“You sound funny, a little out of breath, what have you been doing, and’ what’s that noise?”
”Umm, err, what noise? You mean the heavy breathing? I really must stop smoking.”
Before she can respond, I hang-up. I begin to worry, shit, fuck, bollocks. She must think I’m some weird wanking pervert guy, well you are, if I am you are, Lets not go down that road, anyway, as if she knows what the sounds of a man wanking over the phone sounds like, good thinking, if only I never hung-up on her like that, ring her back dummy and pretend you don’t know why the phone cut off. I dial her number and it rings twice before going through the answer phone:
Hi this Justine as you can guess I’m not in at the moment, but please leave your name and number after the beep, and I’ll get back to you. Beep… (Laughter) sorry that’s me just messing around please leave your message after the beep, Beep… (Laughter) I can’t believe you fell for the same trick twice (more laughter), this time for sure, honest, please leave your message. Beep – I wait to see if it’s a further wind-up; silence, I choose not to leave a message and hang-up.